How is my life not just one bad TV show?

Today I was getting in my car to take Kirk to the airport and going through the now-familiar dance of coaxing, stroking, cajoling, threatening, pumping, bouncing, and slapping that must take place before I am actually permitted to engage the engine.

Only this time, a homeless man (WHO I THINK HAD JUST BEEN EATING OUT OF MY GARBAGE?) decided to come and help me out. I told him it was fine, this was normal, and that the car would start eventually but he insisted that I go upstair and get a broomstick. "Just a little trick" he knew.

The fellow proceeds to whack my engine repeatedly instructing me, at intervals, to get back in the car and try to start it. You're never gonna guess what happened. Not a fucking thing.

Next he tells me to go upstairs and bring him "the biggest, sharpest knife I own." This was just absolutely not an option, so I told him we didn't have any knives. An obvious lie, I realize, but hell. At this point I just wanted him to go away. He said he knew "for a fact" that I had a butterknife, at least, so I reluctantly agreed to go back into my house and procure this item instead.

Upon receiving this he tells me again to get in the car and he bangs (stabs?) for quite some time before yelling, "Try now." Again, no dice. I almost hoped I'd electrocute him just a little so that he would give up and I could retreat to my (empty, unlocked) house in peace. No such luck. He informs me matter-of-factly that my starter is completely dead and that I shouldn't hope for it to start again until I replace it.

He then explains that he's fallen on some "hard times" and asks for whatever money is in my wallet. I dredge up a grand total of 67 cents, grab my busted broom and mangled , wish him a nice afternoon and run back to my house. Where I will remain, unable to drive, for the rest of my life.

Edit: I started to doubt his abilities at diagnostics were any more thorough that his abilities at car-fixin', so I went outside and stayed out there until I made it crank again. Now I've got a blister/callous on my Crank Finger, but at least I'm not buying those bum lies anymore.
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In other news, I'm broke again. I won't be able to fix my car for another week. And my freezer keeps failing to materialize coffee ice cream of its own accord.

Life blows.